I have the best husband on this planet! The last week and a half has been rough on us both. To be honest I'm not sure what he's going through. I've been dealing with a lot of physical pain and emotions on and off. Part of me just isn't really sure what to do. I know there is a grief process, but I don't really feel angry or feel at fault. Something tragic happened and there isn't a way to explain it or place blame. Our God is a great God and He knows what's best. I can't comprehend His ways, and never will be able to, but for some reason this baby wasn't meant for this earth and I will meet him/her someday in Heaven. That doesn't make it easy either. It's hard to go out due to everywhere I tend to go there are big baby bellies, strollers, newborns, you name it and it just reminds me of my loss. I haven't gone back to work due to the physical pain, and now that it is starting to go away I'm dreading seeing them again. I just want to go back to work like nothing happened, which I know it's going to be possible. Same thing with going to church. I need to get back to life and not have everyone coming to comfort me. I appreciate the prayers and notes, yet the in person consoling it what starts to tear me up. I know this is part of the process, just dreading it all.
So, here I am sitting in a hotel that is beautiful and away from everything with my loving husband. It was just what we both needed--to get away. Yes, I know we just got home from vacation, but this was needed after all we have been through. Later today we are both having facials and then a couples massage--much needed relaxation. We also have had amazing friends an family...there when we need it and give us space too. We have been blessed by having meals delivered so that we don't have to think about that yet and couldn't imagine what we would've done with out that! Thanks Steph for coordinating all the meals.
Soon it's back to reality--possibly going to work tomorrow. It's not going to be easy, but at some point I have to come completely out of the cave of my bedroom. I know through God I can get through this and become even stronger. It's time to stop trying to do it on my own and realize only through Him can this be done. Thank you for your prayers!
Love seeing you be real with your struggle (as well as your thanksgiving over the people who have supported you). Miscarriage is such a huge web of emotions and something that I don't think I fully came to grips with until years later (if at all?). Unfortunately, grief hits in strange ways and in odd moments (or at least that's what I've experienced). I remember thinking the same way you expressed about having it hard to see people/be comforted all the time...and then (just being honest here), I remember being "upset" when someone I expected to say something, didn't! (hope that makes sense).
ReplyDeletePraying for you to continue to share your thoughts with your sweet husband and close friends (and certainly Jesus...who, obviously, already knows every thought/emotion!). Proud of you...so glad you had this time away!
Thank you Lori...I have had my anger moments at people not saying things too. I know it's going to take some time to fully process, but part of me just wants it behind. Still feel like I'm avoiding places (like church) due to not wanting to be over "loved" on. I really don't know what to say or do when someone says "I'm sorry about your loss" (like the lady that took my blood today said). I don't want to breakdown crying, but also don't want to just blow it off...ugh. Thanks again for the encouragement. I do feel that talking with those that have been there seems to help--and knowing (like you with 3 beautiful daughters) that it doesn't mean we can't have children, just wasn't the right timing.
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